5 Things That Prove Mariah Carey Is In Fact "Eternally 12 Years Old"

Just over two weeks ago, Mariah Carey sat down with Out magazine to talk about her new album, "dembabies" and her age and place within the music industry. It was here in which she gave her most recent in a steady stream of hilarious quotes, in which she proclaimed that she is "eternally 12 years old".

Eternally. 12 years old.

Although a glance at her wikipedia won't tell you her exact age for certain, as "sources differ", it's safe to say that in her heart and soul - she may actually be correct. Here are 5 things that prove that Mariah Carey, Mimi., The Elusive Chanteuse (and whatever other monikers she has) is in fact eternally 12 years old.

1. She is OBSESSED with Mean Girls.

Carey, as well as husband Nick Cannon have stated numerous times that Mean Girls is her favourite film of all time. She's referenced it a few times publicly. Not only did she quote the Lindsay Lohan film during her stint on 'American Idol', and not only did she reference it in the song and the video to her 2009 single Obsessed, but she and her husband openly recited a scene from the film during an MTV interview a few months ago. These two peas in a pod apparently have no shame. Let this video back me up:

2. She pretends not to know who people are. Or what they do. 

There are so many good soundbites and gifs of this its hard to pick one that illustrates this point best. But the most widely known example would be when The Elusive Chanteuse was interviewed on (German? Dutch? Austrian?) television and asked what she thought about Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez. She couldn't stop singing the formers praises. To quote her exactly, Carey stated "I love Beyonce. I think she's a great writer, great singer...she's also very sweet." When asked about Lopez however she had this to say:

It's the shaking of the head and the journalists long awkward pause that gets me every time.

On Nicki Minaj:

On whoever else:

You can just imagine her in a playground screaming "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, YOU DON'T EXIST" and so on and so forth. 

3. Her album & fragrance titles. 

Mariah has had a lot of albums. Of those, she's has released, here are the ones that sound like they've been named by a very small pre-teen girl:

1. Glitter

2. Charmbracelet

3. Rainbow

4. Butterfly

5. Daydream

6. Music Box

It's hard for me to pick a favourite. 

Now, I've never smelt a Mariah Carey fragrance but I can imagine it's so sickeningly sweet you'd smell - to also reference Mean Girls - like a baby prostitute. Get ready for these titles because they are the best names for anything I've ever seen. In order of least to most ridiculous:

Lollipop Splash Inseparable

Lollipop Bling Honey

Lollipop Bling Ribbon

Lollipop Bling Mine Again

Lollipop Bling That Chick

Lollipop Splash Never Forget You

and the most absurd: Lollipop Splash Vision of Love

4. Her answer to comparisons of her to Ariana Grande. 

Appearing on the no-holds-barred morning radio show The Breakfast Club in February, Mariah was asked once again as to what she thought about about another female artist. This time, asked about the 'Problem' singer Ariana Grande, in addition to comparisons and comments about the latter being a younger version of Carey - she snapped back with:

"First of all: I'm still young." 

Although she went on to say she wishes everybody well in their careers, that's not important. The above quote is all you need to know.

5. Her thing with Glitter.

In addition to an album named Glitter, she also starred in a film of the same name. If you've heard of the film, you've probably also heard that it's terrible but that's another post altogether. Two references to glitter above the age of 25 is simply two too many (sorry Kesha).  Furthermore, while everyone gave American Idol contestant Candice Glover a standing ovation for her version of The Cure's 'Love Song', Mariah chose to walk up on the stage and do this:

Never change Mariah. I don't hate you, I don't even dislike you and I'll be the first to admit that you have achieved double, maybe more than triple what many of us have and will achieve in a lifetime. But that doesn't stop you from being an endless source of entertainment to us all.

Please. Never change.

G.U.Y - Lady Gaga (Music Video)

After holding out for months for the release of the Do What U Want video, I've fully accepted that the day for that is never going to come. It's dead, buried and from what I've read, probably for the best.

Instead, we've been blessed with a clip for Gaga's latest, G.U.Y (an acronym for Girl Under You), a track which Germanotta herself has described as "being comfortable being underneath because you're strong enough to know that you don't have to be on top to know you're worth it". 

Thanks to Gaga (and her team) Artpop as a movement is realised to its full extent. It's here that she continues her adoration for Renaissance-era works, while featuring some of the defining faces in contemporary American pop culture. This is a world in which Botticelli and Raphael meet The Real Housewives of somewhere, Donatello meets Donatella and TV host Andy Cohen is God. Or a God in the clouds or whatever. 

The video for G.U.Y encompasses various tracks from Gaga's latest effort. Featuring three different segues, the video is communicated in a form almost as nonsensical and confusing as Alejandro. We see an injured Gamayun-like Gaga writhing about in a battlefield towards a castle (Pt. I - Artpop), only to collapse again and be taken inside the castle grounds. The unconscious/dying/dead Gaga-yun is wrapped in floral headgear and laid to rest eternally at the bottom of a swimming pool (Pt. II - Venus), while The Real Housewives lip syncing the chorus, and play the guitar, harp, tambourine and cello to varying degrees of conviction.

None of them look like they have a single clue what's going on. 

That's not how you play a cello love. 

As I write this, it has just occurred to me how difficult how the video is to describe and how near impossible it is to make it quick. But I'll try. So after all that, (Pt. III) G.U.Y actually starts, and Gaga breaks it down on top of what looks like a wedding cake:

On the floor with a blue cloth showing tasteful sideboob:

And in an indoor pool that makes the one inside Croft Manor look like NOTHING:

It's also funny to me how much she looks like Donatella Versace in this video but still looks the best she's looked in a damn long time:

So anyway, she and the housewives ravage some dudes, shoot cannons of money and clone a whole load of G.I.R.L's. She also finds time to resurrect the likes of Gandhi, Michael Jackson and Jesus (what), be constructed out of lego and play Minecraft. Most of this taking place within the beautifully ostentatious walls of a European (looking) castle. Artpop indeed.

It goes without saying that Gaga's latest labour of love is a showy spectacle that could end up being one of the best pop videos of the year. For those who have felt less than impressed in the last few months with how things have been going for Gaga, G.U.Y is definitely a return to form. Actually fuck that, you can't return somewhere that you never left in the first place.

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