Friday, 11 July 2014

5 Things That Prove Mariah Carey Is In Fact "Eternally 12 Years Old"

Just over two weeks ago, Mariah Carey sat down with Out magazine to talk about her new album, "dembabies" and her age and place within the music industry. It was here in which she gave her most recent in a steady stream of hilarious quotes, in which she proclaimed that she is "eternally 12 years old".

Eternally. 12 years old.

Although a glance at her wikipedia won't tell you her exact age for certain, as "sources differ", it's safe to say that in her heart and soul - she may actually be correct. Here are 5 things that prove that Mariah Carey, Mimi., The Elusive Chanteuse (and whatever other monikers she has) is in fact eternally 12 years old.

1. She is OBSESSED with Mean Girls.

Carey, as well as husband Nick Cannon have stated numerous times that Mean Girls is her favourite film of all time. She's referenced it a few times publicly. Not only did she quote the Lindsay Lohan film during her stint on 'American Idol', and not only did she reference it in the song and the video to her 2009 single Obsessedbut she and her husband openly recited a scene from the film during an MTV interview a few months ago. These two peas in a pod apparently have no shame. Let this video back me up:

2. She pretends not to know who people are. Or what they do. 

There are so many good soundbites and gifs of this its hard to pick one that illustrates this point best. But the most widely known example would be when The Elusive Chanteuse was interviewed on (German? Dutch? Austrian?) television and asked what she thought about Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez. She couldn't stop singing the formers praises. To quote her exactly, Carey stated "I love Beyonce. I think she's a great writer, great singer...she's also very sweet." When asked about Lopez however she had this to say:

It's the shaking of the head and the journalists long awkward pause that gets me every time.

On Nicki Minaj:

On whoever else:

You can just imagine her in a playground screaming "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, YOU DON'T EXIST" and so on and so forth. 

3. Her album & fragrance titles. 

Mariah has had a lot of albums. Of those, she's has released, here are the ones that sound like they've been named by a very small pre-teen girl:

1. Glitter
2. Charmbracelet
3. Rainbow
4. Butterfly
5. Daydream
6. Music Box

It's hard for me to pick a favourite. 

Now, I've never smelt a Mariah Carey fragrance but I can imagine it's so sickeningly sweet you'd smell - to also reference Mean Girls - like a baby prostitute. Get ready for these titles because they are the best names for anything I've ever seen. In order of least to most ridiculous:

Lollipop Splash Inseparable
Lollipop Bling Honey
Lollipop Bling Ribbon
Lollipop Bling Mine Again
Lollipop Bling That Chick
Lollipop Splash Never Forget You
and the most absurd: Lollipop Splash Vision of Love

4. Her answer to comparisons of her to Ariana Grande. 

Appearing on the no-holds-barred morning radio show The Breakfast Club in February, Mariah was asked once again as to what she thought about about another female artist. This time, asked about the 'Problem' singer Ariana Grande, in addition to comparisons and comments about the latter being a younger version of Carey - she snapped back with:

"First of all: I'm still young." 

Although she went on to say she wishes everybody well in their careers, that's not important. The above quote is all you need to know.

5. Her thing with Glitter.

In addition to an album named Glitter, she also starred in a film of the same name. If you've heard of the film, you've probably also heard that it's terrible but that's another post altogether. Two references to glitter above the age of 25 is simply two too many (sorry Kesha).  Furthermore, while everyone gave American Idol contestant Candice Glover a standing ovation for her version of The Cure's 'Love Song', Mariah chose to walk up on the stage and do this:

Never change Mariah. I don't hate you, I don't even dislike you and I'll be the first to admit that you have achieved double, maybe more than triple what many of us have and will achieve in a lifetime. But that doesn't stop you from being an endless source of entertainment to us all.

Please. Never change.

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Lana Del Rey - Ultraviolence

Oh Lana, you've truly out Del Rey’d yourself on Ultraviolence. Her second full-length effort is exactly what we've come to expect from the 28-year old death-obsessed starlet. The opening line on the title track ("He used to call me DN…it stood for deadly nightshade") pretty much sums up the album – a noir-tinged-horror-faerie-tale chock full of Lana-isms you knew were coming, yet still manage to hit you right between the eyes with just how ridiculous they are.

Ultraviolence (the album) comes after months of teasing, a celebrated lead single (West Coast), and a seemingly bizarre interview with The Guardian which went viral due to one particularly controversial statement. Published the day before the albums initial release date in European markets, the controversy surrounding her statements did nothing to hinder the artists sale figures. Ultraviolence ended up atop the US Billboard Hot 100 with 182,000 units sold, while also debuting at #1 in 11 other markets. But I digress.

Credited as a producer on 8 of the 11 tracks is Dan Auerbach of The Black Keys, who concocts the albums main sound – a dream pop/classic rock hybrid that drags, bores and isn't nearly as interesting as it may appear on paper. When a pop artist chooses to work with a minimal amount of producers on an album, it normally means that those few – or that person chosen, has the goods to craft an LP which features a signature sound, but can also make each song easily distinguishable from one another. 

Ultraviolence fails to do the latter, as it offers too much of the same dark and dreamy notes throughout. It’s simply too much to take in in one sitting.
The most interesting thing on this album as it turns out is the title of track nine: 'Fucked My Way Up To The Top'. But apart from that, I didn't find much worth celebrating about Lana's second full-length offering.

Not so crazy y cubano as one might've hoped. 


Key Tracks: West Coast, Brooklyn Baby, Fucked My Way Up To The Top

Sunday, 23 March 2014

G.U.Y - Lady Gaga (Music Video)

After holding out for months for the release of the Do What U Want video, I've fully accepted that the day for that is never going to come. It's dead, buried and from what I've read, probably for the best.

Instead, we've been blessed with a clip for Gaga's latest, G.U.Y (an acronym for Girl Under You), a track which Germanotta herself has described as "being comfortable being underneath because you're strong enough to know that you don't have to be on top to know you're worth it". 

Thanks to Gaga (and her team) Artpop as a movement is realised to its full extent. It's here that she continues her adoration for Renaissance-era works, while featuring some of the defining faces in contemporary American pop culture. This is a world in which Botticelli and Raphael meet The Real Housewives of somewhere, Donatello meets Donatella and TV host Andy Cohen is God. Or a God in the clouds or whatever. 

The video for G.U.Y encompasses various tracks from Gaga's latest effort. Featuring three different segues, the video is communicated in a form almost as nonsensical and confusing as Alejandro. We see an injured Gamayun-like Gaga writhing about in a battlefield towards a castle (Pt. I - Artpop), only to collapse again and be taken inside the castle grounds. The unconscious/dying/dead Gaga-yun is wrapped in floral headgear and laid to rest eternally at the bottom of a swimming pool (Pt. II - Venus), while The Real Housewives lip syncing the chorus, and play the guitar, harp, tambourine and cello to varying degrees of conviction.

None of them look like they have a single clue what's going on. 

That's not how you play a cello love. 

As I write this, it has just occurred to me how difficult how the video is to describe and how near impossible it is to make it quick. But I'll try. So after all that, (Pt. III) G.U.Y actually starts, and Gaga breaks it down on top of what looks like a wedding cake:

On the floor with a blue cloth showing tasteful sideboob:

And in an indoor pool that makes the one inside Croft Manor look like NOTHING:

It's also funny to me how much she looks like Donatella Versace in this video but still looks the best she's looked in a damn long time:

So anyway, she and the housewives ravage some dudes, shoot cannons of money and clone a whole load of G.I.R.L's. She also finds time to resurrect the likes of Gandhi, Michael Jackson and Jesus (what), be constructed out of lego and play Minecraft. Most of this taking place within the beautifully ostentatious walls of a European (looking) castle. Artpop indeed.

It goes without saying that Gaga's latest labour of love is a showy spectacle that could end up being one of the best pop videos of the year. For those who have felt less than impressed in the last few months with how things have been going for Gaga, G.U.Y is definitely a return to form. Actually fuck that, you can't return somewhere that you never left in the first place.


Monday, 6 January 2014

2013: A Year in GIFS (Part 2)

Behold - Part 2 of 2013: A Year in Gifs. July to December saw sledgehammer licking, award shows, Samsung deals, and the (pop)stars align in the attempt of delivering flawfree song after flawfree which they kinda failed. Oh well. On to: 

Jay-Z released his latest, 'Magna Carta...Holy Grail' as a rap world first. Striking a $20,000,000 (£12, 200,000) with Samsung, MCHG was made available for Samsung Galaxy users for free on the 4th. The deal helped the album move over 1,000,000 copies by the 9th alone. While the album took influence from high culture, Jay took a bollocking over the technological collab. Issues arose over the amount of royalties going to Jay, while others questioned the albums certification and eligibility to chart on the Billboard Hot 200. The album was good I guess, but myself and others around me couldn't help but cry "we get it, Shawn...'re rich".
I have to scroll down a bit as I write this as that Big Ang gif as actually really distracting. 
August was a musical shamble. It was the month that Katy Perry and Lady Gaga dropped both of their singles. While 'Roar' was delivered on the 10th, 'Applause' was originally planned a week later, but found itself leaked by Gaga obsessed hackers and "rush released" for the 12th. If anyone remembers, Stefani was furious. It became an impromtu battle between stanbases for who would end up on top.  


Sadly for me, it was the former who ended up winning at the time. 'Roar' found itself at #1 in around 15 countries and later grabbed two Grammy nominations, while 'Applause' reached the top spot in the official charts in 4 territories. I don't think I've read the term "but sales aren't everything" as much as I have in the last 5 months.

On the 25th the MTV Video Music Awards took place but I don't wanna go into that. I've done it done already

September was claimed almost entirely by Little Miss Miley , who dropped the video for 'Wrecking Ball' on the 9th. The second single off her emancipation LP 'Bangerz' became the fastest music video to reach 100,000,000 views on Vevo since the sites inception. 

The song was so emotional charged she cried, no wept all through it, shot by the ever creepy Terry Richardson. 

She was also nekkid.

It's turned out to be one of the most gif-able videos of the year. Mostly due to this:


 Also some genius also decided to photoshop Nicholas Cage's face on her body:


A seemingly endless stream of open letters were written, mostly to or from Miley Cyrus and Sinead O'Connor. What appeared to be moderately interesting in the beginning just went on, and on, and on, and on...urgh. 

Also Justin Timberlake released 'The 20/20 Experience Part 2 of 2' and despite being mildly underwhelming, it was still better than 3 quarters of the utter feces that was shipped to radio this year.  

You know it's true. 

The fourth season of The Walking Dead premiered on the 13th, delivering 16.1 million live viewers - the highest audience for a cable network show in US History. Trumping TV juggernauts such as Modern Family, Big Bang Theory and CSI, the show saw the largest audience of the shows lifespan. Incredibly and undoubtedly well deserved.

Justin Bieber started releasing precocious bedroom jams every Monday, dubbed "Music Mondays". Recorded in hotel rooms, tour buses or anywhere he could find, Bieber started laying down depressing tracks about how sad he was and how much he missed Selena Gomez or whatever. All songs were compiled into what's now known as his ~journals and to be honest, they're not shit. Not shit at all. 

Look how sad they both are as she slowly slides down his body.

Way back in April-ish, I mentioned to a friend that Thor: The Dark World "will be my main November jam", and it really was. But still it was Loki-this, Loki-that, can't-wait-for-Avengers-2 and so on. As with Happy Endings, get your acts together and start liking the right things people. 'ARTPOP' dropped, and while many had the pitchforks out ready to proclaim the album as a flop, it ended up doing well. "Not as well as 'Born This Way'" you say, but when you sell an album on Amazon for 99 cents in its opening week people are obviously gonna it all up. If you'd like to glance down a few centimetres you'll see an image of Lady Gaga dressed as an Ultraman/sex doll/toaster hybrid while she performs Artpop's opening track, 'Aura' at her ArtRave event in New York.

Do you?

One person who didn't release an album that month was *twist*, Rihanna. The island princess has popped off with a new LP every November for the past 4 years ('Rated R' in 2009, 'Loud' in 2010, 'Talk That Talk' in 2011 and 'Unapologetic' in 2012), yet opted not to go for a fifth outing in 2013. She did however release more singles from 'Unapologetic', including the dark stripper anthem 'Pour It Up'. The video featured her doing this:

I'll never get over it.

At the American Music Awards on the 24th, Alicia Silverstone was asked who she was most looking forward to meeting. Her answer?

I can't tell if she was taking the piss or if she genuinely thinks that's their name but either way this is hilarious. Rihanna was given the first ever 'ICON' Award at the show, which basically awarded her for having a vast number of Twitter and Instagram followers. Seriously. 

Also one of the most important music videos of the decade dropped on the 19th. It needs no introduction:

I have so much time for all things Bound 2. Sadly, Kanye didn't have time for much else as he descended further into madness on Sway's radio show 'Sway in the Morning'. While the host and MTV presenter named West "one of the most clever people to manipulate the internet", Kanye berated Sway for not having "the answers". To what you say? I'm still unsure. It's frustrating to me that on occasions, Kanye opens his mouth and lil' nuggets of gold come out, but those golden nuggets are surrounded by so much hot air and nothingness you can't take them in. 

Part of the reason I waited until the new year to finish this was due to the fact I could give December the same amount as respect as the previous months. I don't get these people who do year reviews half way through December. There's still half of the month left. Sadly for them, those that did missed out on one of the most unprecedented musical events of the year. Which as we all know how as:

Bey day. 
Friday 13th 2013. 
Instead of describing how well Beyoncé's album did is doing, let this gif of Kirby illustrate what went down:

For those who don't get it, Beyoncé is obviously Kirby. The food represents the music industry, people's minds, their wallets and the lessers who couldn't get it together in 2013. The self titled album came after 11 and a half months of teasing, false starts and scrapped material, but left everyone in a frenzy minutes after the whole album and it's 17 music videos dropped out of nowhere. She really broke the internet that day and it still hasn't fully recovered.

I didn't even like Beyoncé thaaaat much before but you couldn't deny.
It was a Christmas M I R A C L E.

But before that on the 2nd, Britney Spears 8th album, 'Britney Jean' was released so somewhat minimal fanfare. After teasing that her next project would be her "most personal album to date" time, and time and time again, the first single which dropped in the crowded month of September sounded anything but. 

So personal.

Whether or not it was her "most personal" became irrelevant, as the words were quickly replaced with "least successful", as the album only managed to reach #4 in the US and 34 in the UK. 

But sales aren't everything.

She also began her much hyped 2 year Las Vegas Residency on the 27th, reportedly raking in $15,000,000 (£9,140,000) a year for the set of shows. I wish someone would pay ME $300,000 a night (yes, three hundred thousand dollars a NIGHT) to do this:

At least she looks good.

So there it is, 2013s guide to pop culture for dummies. I wonder what great and terrible things await us next year? Will Azealia Banks and Iggy Azalea release their long awaited debut LPs in '14? Will Lana Del Rey's second official album 'Ultraviolence' dazzle us or send us to sleep? And will Leo finally get that Oscar he's been pining for his whole career? Only time will tell. All I know is that I never wanna hear the terms "this is my most personal album to date" "open letter" or "twerking" again. Especially by those who can't even do it. 

It's just insulting.


Credit to: Gifatron, Weheartit, Mrwgifs, Hitfix, and the tumblrs, Happy Endings gifs, elloscambiaron-mivida, middlechildswag, hotnewsgator, realitytvgifs, districtMTV
& Pinkisthenewblog